My birthday - unhappy thoughts

Today is supposed to be a happy day for me since it's my birthday but somehow I don't feel happy. I don't know...think it could be because of you...I know that you have been trying very hard to accomodate and to make time for me and to celebrate my birthday with me. But I also notice that deep down inside your heart, there are some differences that you can't accept about me and you have deep grievances about it. And it seems like you have hidden it in your heart for quite some time, and it's just a ticking bomb waiting to explode. Maybe I'm just being oversensitive but I feel quite terrible now. You make me fearful, and I can imagine how should I ever marry you, you'll find me detesting and my actions and character abominable and will leave me one day. Perhaps I'm just not suited for you and that another medicine girl will suit you better since you'll have much more in common. She'll be able to discuss medicine stuff with you and you can go for classes and endure the stress of medicine life together. And you won't have to endure a girl like me who can't assist you in athg and would only give you more heartbreaks than you need. I don't want you to choose me just because I'll be able to look after the family and do housework since I won't need to be on call all the time like what female doctors have to. You will regret it later on as you don't seem to be able to accept my differences fully. I always thought that I have a high level of tolerance. I can accept criticisms by others, even my own parents and friends but somehow I don't feel well whenever you try to compare me with other girls and say how they are better and all that. It makes me feel even worse that I'm a loser and won't ever be compatible with you. How would you feel if I were to compare you with another guy and say that he's so much better than you and can do this and do that but you can't? Perhaps you may think that I'm the one for you, but deep inside, there are some things that you may not accept as you may have already formed a negative impression of me. And such impressions may not be easy to change overnight without you putting yourself in my shoes or to search your heart and soul to decide whether you actually love me, truly and not for practical reasons, out of convenience or out of gratitude. All I want is just a guy who truly loves me with all his heart and one who can learn to appreciate my differences and understand where I'm coming from. I don't need him to be rich and successful...I only try to encourage you to do your best to be successful because I know that you have untapped potential waiting to be unleashed and I hope to be the woman behind your success. I won't mind even if you don't earn a lot. I just want you to be a good and ethical doctor who always put yourself in the other party's shoes. And I just want you to know, I'm not lazy. In fact, one of the criticisms I have received since I was young was that I'm too hardworking. You are the only one who thinks that I'm lazy...

I know you have sacrificed most of your time for me, and may not even have time to finish studying for your CAs and I'm just being irritating and selfish here. I don't know, but I don't feel too good now. That saying that "the more you love someone, the deeper the pain" is very true.

Perhaps I'm wrong...I shouldn't have tried so hard to put myself in your shoes and understand your feelings and all that. You won't be able to understand my thoughts anyway and will probably only find me abominable. Even when I'm writing this, I know that I'll never let you know what I feel now, at least not until your exams are over, because I want you to concentrate on your studies and not be burdened by my own selfish thoughts and actions. I'm tired..horribly tired. I'm tired that I can't lead a life of my own, without having to consider your feelings. Is this how those in a relationship will always feel? And is that why some people actually commit suicide because they can't take the pain?

Perhaps I should just ignore you for the timebeing until after my exams. And let GOD decide our faith. I should think you'll be able to handle your own feelings. If you can't understand my feelings and accept my differences, then so be it. There's nothing else I can do to change your mind and make you appreciate me more. And I don't want to forcefully make you appreciate me, cos such compulsion won't do any of us any good or happy. You make your own decision and tell me the answer. But I just want to let you know that I still love you deeply and that I'll never leave you until the day you decide that you actually don't love me. I will then give you up cos I don't want to compel you to love me. Such love will never last and will only balloon into more serious differences and problems subsequently. And that's how couples separate. Lol, maybe the saying that couples will always quarrel is true and that there will always be the different stages in a relationship, from low tide stage to the storming stage and back to the gentle stage. Are we at the storming stage now?

Maybe it's just me being oversensitive. But as I'm writing all this, tears have already started rolling down my cheeks...Sigh, how many times have I cried for you? Maybe I have just cried over nothing and it's just my own wild imagination or could it be that I can forsee into the future?

I hope that you can give me an answer...so that my fear can be squamished and I'll be able to go back to my original happy self again...