Second time I cried

It's the second time I cried...and it's because of him again. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet. I can't handle the ups and downs of a relationship and I would rather remain single than to endure the torture in this manner. I used to think that I have a high threshold level until today, when I finally broke down. I just couldn't take it...

I think that his expectations are too high and I tried to meet his expectations and of course I would like to be his perfect girl in his eyes. But I failed and I could just never meet his expectations and could never please him as much as I wanted to. The problem is that his family is very traditional and patriarchal, which I might not be suited for. I'm a happy go lucky kind of girl and I want my boyfriend to dote on me and accept me for who I am. I don't like hypocrites, neither do I want to be one myself. He wants a girlfriend who knows how to cook and do housework. The latter is alright, because doing housework is actually quite brainless. But what makes me upset is that he thinks that I don't know how to do housework or I'm lazy, although I'm not. I did most of the housework before I entered uni, even though I was working full time at that point of time from the day I completed my 'A' levels till the day uni starts. Nobody called me lazy before and I'm definitely not lazy. I'm just very tired, and I'm really very tired. It's because I cared so much for him, I'm always thinking about his feelings. but he didn't know this and I don't know how to put across to him. I'm someone who bottles up my feelings and that affects me emotionally because others don't know what I'm thinking.

I would put up a brave front and a happy go lucky personna in front of others although deep inside, my heart is actually bleeding and my tears rolling. I can't control my tear glands from letting my tears flow down my cheeks. And I've never cried for anybody else except for the time when both my grandparents passed away and the day before my brother entered NS. and I cried for him twice in the course of our 10 months courtship and how many times do I have to control my crying for him. Should I just remain single and be the carefree person I used to be? Or should I just find ways to mend my relationship with him. I think it's just my problem, my stress and all that and my fear for my results that caused me to break down. The stress of not performing well, the stress of not being able to maintain my scholarship, double degree and be on the dean's list. I'm very stressed and burdened with this emotional baggage that I don't know who to look for now...I just want to find someone to talk to and I thought that my bf would be able to help me relieve my emotional baggage, but it seems like he's just adding to my burden because I care too much for him. I care about his feelings, and how his family thinks about me. I don't want to let him down or athg.

And I shouldn't keep comparing him with my brother. I know my brother is very nice to his girlfriend and would even disobey my parents for his girlfriend's sake (not that I want my bf to go against his parents or athg and I admire for his filial piety). But just that my parents are less strict and more easy going so that his gf can do athg at my place at ease without having to worry about athg. His gf don't even know how to do housework or cook or athg. Well, I just can't compare like that because it won't be fair for him and what's more he doesn't have a sister whom he can ask or know more about the behavioural traits and mindsets of girls. I shouldn't be like that. I'll try to accomodate him as much as I can cos I know he tried his best to please me. But just that I don't know what went wrong with me today. Think I'm just suffering from depression. Haiz. Oh dear.

He finally replied my sms. I should forgive him. I can't blame him for not seeing the sms earlier because his phone is out of battery and he already said that he loves me for who I am. And I love him dearly, and that means I should just accept him as he is and not think too much. Can I do it? I'd feel better after a good night's sleep. I've been having sleepless nights all because of him. Haiz. that's my retribution for going into a relationship. All things can't be smooth sailing in this world. I hope that everything will be fine, my relationship with him and my results that are going to be released soon. Sigh.